You know, Shakespeare got it wrong --- The good that men (and women) do does live after them. Today I want to talk about how we honor and pay our respect to those people and events which are important in our lives and foster a sense of our community as a congregation.

We humans have long sought ways to memorialize those who are significant to us. Often we feel a need to make our own memorial, to leave behind something that says, “I was here; I was important at one time; remember me.” These expressions range from the great pyramids and grand tombs of rulers to the unassuming graves marked only with a pile of stones. Archeologists find these expressions of memorials in cave paintings, in objects buried with human remains, and in prehistoric structures.

We seem to have a deep human need to

• remember
• honor
• record

our existence, our passing from this place, and our legacy for those we leave. George Washington must have felt that way when he carved his name on the stone of Natural Bridge just 75 miles from here.

This is one of the marks of human culture that distinguishes us from other animals. Animals seem to be aware of death. Most of us have experienced a pet or even a squirrel or bird who hovers over the body of a dead or dying mate or offspring, but it is only humans who want to create memorials. It is this connection to one’s community that transcends death.

Memorials can be self-tributes, created by the individuals they honor. The pyramids come to mind. The larger the physical tribute, the more powerful the person. The pyramids were built by the pharaohs while they were living. They wanted to ensure that their memorials were suitable to their station in life.

Now it is usually the survivors who decide who is to be honored and how that person is honored. Washington didn’t design the Washington monument. Lincoln didn’t have anything to do with the Lincoln Memorial and I often wonder what he would have thought of it. If you donate large sums of money to a university you may get a building or a school named after you like Pamplin Hall on the Tech campus or even Torgeson – named for the former president who is still very much alive. It was a way to honor Paul Torgeson who served the university in several capacities over many years.

Some people still like to create their own memorial, decide where they would like to be buried and what sort of marker – monument they want. There is still the need to leave a record – on the marker, sometimes an epitaph, sometimes just a name and date. For many members of a community or family, there is often a need to maintain a sense of connection through a visible memorial. It seems especially important for the children to know of a specific spot where grandparents or parents are honored and remembered.

We have several memorials in our own Fellowship honoring the living and the dead.

I don’t know how many of you realize that there is an inscription on our chalice. It saysL

“In grateful recognition of Hershel A. Elarth for 30 years of service and support of this fellowship. April 26, 1982.”

Meanwhile, the neighborhood developed, the streets were cut and eventually we built our building. By then, Hershel was dead but we knew he was instrumental in getting us here and we named this room after him.

Another memorial you may not have noticed before is our chalice window, sort of hidden behind the pamphlet rack in the foyer, to the left of the door. This was given in memory of my first husband, Donald Berney. It was designed to fit in the clearstory window above the front door of that house at the end of the driveway. It was also designed to be re-locatable – an important concept because we knew that sooner or later we would no longer be in that building.

We have a lot of garden plantings that are memorials. The sourwood tree to the right of the front door is in memory of Dan Taylor’s mother.

There is a clump of shad and redbud trees that bloom every spring for an entire month. They are in memory of Robin Pendergast. Some of you knew Robin, more of you knew Doug and his young daughter, Miranda. Doug and Miranda moved to North Carolina in August. Robin died when Miranda was just two years old. I wrote to Doug to see if he had any thoughts about what the memorial to Robin means to him. Here is his reply:

“Thank you so much for this opportunity to express how important, how meaningful, the shad and redbud trees planted in memory of Robin are to me.

“Robin loved plants and trees. The shad and redbud trees planted there on the hillside behind the Fellowship hold a meaningful memory for, and of, Robin. There, her spirit shines through for all to admire. She was not just a beloved mother and wife, but a beloved daughter, sister, friend, colleague, and community leader. Robin was a caring, loving human being. The trees symbolize Robin in many meaningful ways. I like the fact that they are a living memorial, keeping her spirit alive. Also, they are her continued connection to a community she loved. I know Robin would feel honored having such a lovely remembrance of her. Thank you for thinking of her.”

Before Karen Holstein moved away, she was an active member. To commemorate her younger son’s 13^th birthday, she had a coming of age celebration right here and planted that weeping willow tree down the hill in honor of Bret.

The row of 6 fringe bushes were to celebrate the marriage of Jack and Liza Bazuzi.

The smaller weeping willow tree in the center of the window, the curly pine tree in the garden on your left, a lot of the azaleas and rhododendrons were given in honor of Donald Berney.

Most of our hymn books and many of our RE books were purchased in honor of people. I know every Sunday I look at the front of the hymnal to see for whom it was purchased. Often it is for Donald Berney, or the choir, or someone else. But for that brief moment, I consider the gift and the occasion. A few weeks ago, Sue Brozosky broke out in a chuckle as she opened her hymnal and saw that it was given in honor of Morton Nadler on his 80^th birthday.

As I have said, it is important for many of us to have a specific place to remember our loved ones. Our mobile society compounds these problems. We need to feel that connection to our community.

We of the memorial society committee are proposing that now is the time that we think seriously of establishing a memorial site right here, this place, this time. I hope we will give serious thought to the benefits a memorial wall and garden can bring to us as one way we can put into practice our values of community and spiritual growth, because spiritual growth was another value that emerged again and again in the summer meetings. This is an opportunity to have an intentional and visible symbol of our values.

Death often nudges us to grow spiritually and a place to “rest our souls” may help us in contemplating some of life’s great mysteries. Some of you may have heard a piece by Susan Stanberg on NPR in December. She was talking about peace and where could one find peace in Washington, DC. For her, it was at the Adams Memorial in Rock Creek Cemetery. She related that she just likes to go there, look at the statue and clear her mind, collect her thoughts.

Frank and Marilyn DuPont belonged to the First Unitarian Universalist Chruch in San Diego for years before moving here. They have shared some pictures of the memorial wall at that church and the garden it surrounds. The wall is re-locatable even though it does not appear to be – the blocks fit together and can be taken apart to be moved.

The site in San Diego is really multi-purpose. The memorial wall is there, but it is also a place for reflection, contemplation. It is used for pot-lucks, weddings, children’s activities. Amy Mauldon made an interesting suggestion to the Memorial Society Committee when we presented this idea last year when we were asked to dream for the canvass. She suggested that a memorial wall be combined with a Religious Education garden. The RE teachers envisioned something like a place for plaques with handprints, or a place to plant the plants that are presented to the RE teachers at the end of the year. Have you ever noticed the brass markers that the Children’s Garden School uses? Check it out around the front corner of the building. The possibilities are really exciting. It would be an opportunity to have an intergenerational space and a link for past and future generations.

Most of us want to be good stewards of the earth. Green burials, common in Europe, are not available to us in the New River Valley. Many of us feel cremation is a good alternative, but what to do with the cremated remains?

Cremation is the choice now of 25% of Americans. I would guess it would be higher in this congregation. A memorial wall can also be a columbarium where cremated remains can be kept.

So what are we really talking about?

We have a display with pictures of different possibilities and a sample of of what I call the tinker toy model. You can begin with a simple starter set for $800 and add on as the need arises or money is available. It can be built as you go along or all at once as was done in San Diego. It can certainly be self sustaining with each block being sold for $200 after that initial first investment. I also think whatever we decide to do needs to be re-locatable. If we move, or stay here and expand, we need to be able to re-locate our memorial. San Diego’s wall is re-locatable, so is the sample I am showing.

Although this sample is designed to hold cremated remains, it could just as easily hold a time capsule from the teens’ bridging ceremony. It might be used to honor the birth of a child or for a family and to hold something meaningful. Again the possibilities are really numerous.

As a denomination, we are not so interested in the past. We think about the future, but we also know the importance of community and maintaining a continuity with the past.

Now, I must say a word from the Memorial Society Committee. More than half of Americans die without a valid will. Again, I hope that doesn’t reflect this group, but we have been encouraging people to fill out the forms found on the foyer counter. This is a way to let Chris know what your wishes are. Again, none of us likes to think about our own death let alone the death of our children, but it is always a possibility.

Being prepared helps everyone when there is a death in the family because decisions have been made and the necessary information is readily available. Hopefully, there will be fewer family arguments. Less time and energy will be spent at a time when everyone is upset. For people who are alone, it is especially important.

Again, I want to tell you a story about Hershel Elarth. He lived alone here. His wife had died, his stepdaughter was in Chicago. Hershel became very ill and was taken to Montgomery Hospital. His situation was grave, but again he showed us the way with his foresight and courage. He had left his wishes on file with the Fellowship president, then Leslie Hager-Smith. Leslie was able to intervene with the hospital and produce his wishes for no heroic measures. He died before his step-daughter could arrive, but she appreciated Leslie’s acting on the documents Hershel had given the Fellowship.

The forms we provide do no good unless they are filled out. Chris reports that practically no one has turned in forms. Please consider doing this soon.

While you are thinking of end of life decisions you need to make, please consider making a bequest to UUFNRV. The finance committee is setting up a futures fund for this purpose and you’ll be hearing more about it in the weeks to come.

There is a human need for looking beyond what seems to be the finality of death. Even those people who are convinced there is absolutely nothing after this life, concede there is a need to record the event. There is often a desire to honor, and there is a longing to remember and be remembered.

We are at a point in our congregational life when we recognize our values of community and spiritual growth. It is this connection to this community – our chosen family that calls us to provide a memorial to those who hold a special place in our hearts and lives.

May it be so!

Closing Words:

Ours is a community of memory and hope. Our history is one of joining together to serve transcendent hopes—especially the hope that everyone might have the chance to help shape history, and not just be pushed around by it.

John Buehrens
(former UUA president)

Go in peace — the service has ended

Copyright 2003, Isabel Berney; Commercial Duplication Prohibited